The panto-haters guide to Christmas in Edinburgh
Including "one of the best productions you will see anywhere in the world"
I love panto. Throughout November and December, I will joyfully crisscross Scotland to review the best on offer, declaiming ‘it’s behind you!’ at the top of my lungs at every opportunity.
However, every year, a silent cry of ‘Oh no I won’t!’ erupts throughout my home city, mouthed by those for whom ‘pantomime’ is a synonym for ‘torture’. Whilst the din of hastily reworked pop songs and performative boo-hissing rings out from many Edinburgh stages, pantophobes - such as my wonderful wife - can rest easy: other entertainment is available, writes Will Quinn.
Read on for some of the best non-panto stage entertainment in town this Christmas, including one of the best productions you will see anywhere in the world (and I am not exaggerating).
Firstly, those seeking marquee Christmas theatre should look no further than the newest adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Island at the Royal Lyceum, written by the immensely respected playwright (and eminent wine-merchant) Duncan McLean. With songs from itinerant musical enigma Tim Dalling and a fine cast including the irrepressible Amy Conachan, expect to have your timbers shivered.
Those who want an all-bells-and-whistles musical nostalgia trip, however, might want to look to the Edinburgh Playhouse. There you’ll find none other than Donny Osmond playing Pharaoh in the London Palladium production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. The world’s most famous musical Mormon is an outstanding performer, and having the tour open in Edinburgh is a genuine theatrical coup. Expect tickets to fly off the digital shelf.
If you prefer mute performers, however, you will have to wait till January 8th for Scottish Ballet to open The Nutcracker at the Festival Theatre. With the King’s Theatre undergoing long overdue surgery until 2026, the beloved (perhaps not by you) King’s Panto has dibs on Capital Theatres’ biggest venue. Those with their hearts set on Christmas pirouettes in Edinburgh may wish to join the Orthodox Church which celebrates Christmas day on January 7th. That way you will be able to celebrate Boxing Day when the orchestra strikes up on the 8th.
If dancing on stage is too much stimulation, then the ever-resplendent Royal Scottish National Orchestra are bringing Still Game’s Sanjeev Kohli to narrate The Snowman while serenading you with Howard Blake’s beloved score. Christmas magic seems guaranteed. The concert, on December 22nd, also promises some ‘singalong carols’. I presume participation is voluntary, and Santa won’t leave coal in your stockings if you stay silent.
Conversely, any audience participation would surely lead to prompt, involuntary evacuation from the Queen’s Hall when the fabulous Dunedin Ensemble strikes up Handel’s immortal Messiah Oratorio on December 18th. Go for the ‘Hallelujah chorus’ and bathe in some of the most glorious liturgical music ever composed. Trust me there are some bona-fide baroque bangers included, but do look out for sudden impulses to join a choir on the way home.
Let’s now suppose you prefer your Christmas tunes more traditional. In that case, Scotland’s favourite extant accordionist Phil Cunningham is inviting his pals (you pay your money and take your chance on who turns up on the day) for a series of high-powered jam sessions at the Queen’s Hall from the 19th to the 22nd of December. Apparently, there will also be a brass band, guaranteed to delight everyone - apart from my wife who wouldn’t hesitate to pitch all brass bands into the ocean.
More to her tastes is Baba a new seasonal play by cmfwood, the nom-de-social media of playwright Claire Wood, and staged by the redoubtable Edinburgh Graduate Theatre Group - EGTG. The show opens in ‘The Village In The Middle Of Nowhere’ as its inhabitants prepare for the annual Christmas ball hosted by the ‘Man Who Might Be The Devil.’ Happy endings are not promised with this spooky comedy, but true grinches should prepare themselves for one - just in case. With 70 years in the am-dram business, an EGTG experience may also help heal any scars left by something nasty in a church hall in years past.
Now, before we arrive at ‘one of the best shows you will see anywhere in the world’, let’s spare a thought for Rick Astley, who plays the Usher Hall on December 19th. Apparently his ‘Swinging’ Christmas’ fulfils a lifelong dream of performing festive and swing hits with a big band. If you fancy Rickrolling friends or family this year, you could try taking them along in blindfolds.
All of these preambles were just a way of delaying the pleasure of revealing my number one choice for those hunting non-panto Christmas magic. Glasgow-based Barrowland Ballet’s The Gift is playing at The Studio on Potterrow from the 14th to the 31st of December. Believe me when I say this family-friendly dance adventure is one of the best things you will ever see.
Joyful, magical, funny, and awe-inspiring are only a few of the words insufficient to describe the wonder of creator Natasha Gilmore’s celebration of cardboard boxes. When I mention Hamilton in the same breath, you might think me deranged, but I have seen only a handful of perfect shows in 44 years of theatre-going, and ‘The Gift’ is one.
Having reached the end of this, my Christmas gift to the Pantophobic, I hope you can face the season with hope in your heart. What’s more, this list of panto-hater-friendly live entertainment is only a selection of the Dame-free magic out there this November and December. If you have some other non-panto delight in mind, let me know. However, do provide a warning if any brass bands are involved, lest they are last seen sailing over South Queensferry towards a watery grave. Happy Christmas!
Will Quinn is Editor of the Quinntessential Review